Well, we've had at least four positive responses to the public critique idea, so I'll just go ahead and offer up my chapter to the wolves (pun definetly intended). Feel free to be critical. Hit me with your best shot, in fact. :)

Oh, one thing. I already noticed two problems at the end where I use such phrases as "And just like that, the scorpion did just that" or "With a crack that was almost audible, the remaining tension cracked."

Obviously the use of the same word so quickly is a mistake. Forgive me, it was late ^.-